The Guys’ Rules

The Guys’ Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally,

the guys’ side of the story. (I must admit, it’s pretty good.)

We always hear “the rules”

From   the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note… these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it.  That’s what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,

we meant  the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not   A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine…Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to

discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them a bigger laugh!

_______________________________

The Corporation

The Corporation

by Canadian Psychiatrist Robert Hare

The corporation meets the clinical definition of a psycopath.

It’s amoral,  deceitful, manipulative, completely  self-interested,

it breaches social and legal standards yet suffers no guilt,

it has a callous unconcern for others and a disregard for their safety

and is unable to maintain long-term relationships.

It could also be argued that coprporations also fit the definition of a sociopath

whose behaviour is extremely antisocial, is lacking in

conscience and has no sense of social or moral responsibility.

“Television”

“Television”

“Experiments conducted by researcher Herbert Krugman reveal that,

when a person watches television,

brain activity switches from the left to the right hemisphere.

The left hemisphere is the seat of logical thought.

Here, information is broken down into its component parts and critically analyzed.

The right brain, however, treats incoming data uncritically,

processing information in wholes, leading to emotional,

rather than logical, responses.

The shift from left to right brain activity also causes the release of endorphins,

the body’s own natural opiates–thus, it is possible to become physically

addicted to watching television,

a hypothesis borne out by numerous studies which have shown that

very few people are able to kick the television habit.

Peter Russell, “Dehypnosis – Breaking the Trance”

Political correctness

Political correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as “HILLBILLIES.”

You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ….

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a “BABE” or a “CHICK” – She is a “BREASTED AMERICAN.”

2. She is not a “SCREAMER” or a “MOANER” – She is “VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.”

3. She is not “EASY” – She is “HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.”

4. She is not a “DUMB BLONDE” -

She is a “LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.”

5. She has not “BEEN AROUND” – She is a “PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.”

6. She is not an “AIRHEAD” -

She is “REALITY IMPAIRED.”

7. She does not get “DRUNK” or “TIPSY” – She gets “CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED”

8. She does not have “BREAST IMPLANTS” – She is “MEDICALLY ENHANCED.”

9. She does not “NAG” you – She becomes “VERBALLY REPETITIVE.”

10. She is not a “TRAMP” – She is “SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.”

11. She does not have “MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS” – She is “PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.”

12. She is not a “TWO-BIT HOOKER” – She is a “LOW COST PROVIDER.”

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a “BEER GUT” – He has developed a “LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.”

2. He is not a “BAD DANCER” – He is “OVERLY CAUCASIAN.”

3. He does not “GET LOST ALL THE TIME” – He “INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.”

4. He is not “BALDING” – He is in “FOLLICLE REGRESSION.”

5. He is not a “CRADLE ROBBER” – He prefers “GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.”

6. He does not get “FALLING-DOWN DRUNK” – He becomes “ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.”

7. He does not act like a “TOTAL ASS” – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.”

8. He is not a “MALE CHAUVINIST PIG” – He has “SWINE EMPATHY.”

9. He is not afraid of “COMMITMENT” – He is “RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.”

10. He is not “HORNY” – He is “SEXUALLY FOCUSED.”

11. It’s not his “CRACK” you see hanging out of his pants – It’s “REAR CLEAVAGE

Pharmacology ~~~WAY TOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!

Pharmacology ~~~WAY TOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!

In Pharmacology, all drug have two names,

a trade name and generic name. For example,

the trade name of

Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.

Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts,

it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form,

and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,

and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”,

“highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.

This means that by 2040,

there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections

and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If yon’t send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Paul Harvey Writes

Paul Harvey Writes:

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse.

For my grandchildren, I’d like better.

I’d really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and

leftover meat loaf sandwiches.

I really would.

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.

I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.

And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.

It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.

I  hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.

I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister.

And it’s all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,

but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he’s scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along,

I hope you’ll let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride,

I hope you don’t ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won’t be seen riding

with someone as uncool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.

I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.

When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl,

and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain,

burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don’t care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don’t like it.

And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.

May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor’s

window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when

you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

These things I wish for you – tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness.

To me, it’s the only way to appreciate life.
Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I’m here for you.

And if I die before you do, I’ll go to heaven and wait for you.
Send this to all of your friends.

We secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them.

Password

Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,

and at the appropriate point in the process,

told him that hewould now need to enter a password.

Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would
try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention.

So,when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in

P…
E…
N…
I…
S..

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

Old man and his problem

Old man and his problem

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office and while there the Doctor asked for a sperm count.

He gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar,

which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

“Well, doc, it’s like this – First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,

then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands,

then an armpit and she even tried squeezing’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn’t get the jar open.”

Proud to be Canadian

Proud to be Canadian

This is not to offend anyone,

but if you are offended redirect your
mails to
who_give_a_rats_ass@screwyou.com

Although July 1st is past,

these are things we still can feel proud about

and of being Canadians…..

#####################

EAT YOUR HEART OUT WORLD…….

SO, WHAT DO CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF?

1. Smarties

2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp

3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down

4. Baseball is Canadian

5. Lacrosse is Canadian

6. Hockey is Canadian

7. Basketball is Canadian

8. Apple pie is Canadian

9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers ass

10. Tim Hortons kicks Krispy Kreme’s ass  mmmmmmmm. Coffee.

11. In the war of 1812, started by America,

Canadians pushed the

Americans
back…past their ‘White House’.

Then we burned it…and most of
Washington,
under the command of William Lyon MaKenzie King

who was insane and hammered all the time.

We got bored because they ran away,

so we came home and partied…Go figure..

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to

Germany. Though they would have given the chance!

13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered

or
withdrew during any war to anyone. anywhere. EVER.

14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over an hour.

15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary,

who slept in and missed the whole thing… but showed up just
in time to get caught. Dumbass!

16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.

17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth’s surface

and  is still around as the worlds oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human

in  under 3 minutes.  Good to know.

19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.I don’t

personally, but some do.

20. We don’t marry our kin-folk.

21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin,

zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless

lives each year.

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to

tell about it.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money.

26. Our beer advertisments kick ass – BUT MOST IMPORTANT!…….

27. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands

with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!!

28. Our light beer is stronger than regular American beer.

29. And we don’t bomb our allies.We just get bombed.

Oh yeah… and our elections only take one day.Because we can count.

Pass this on if you are proud to be Canadian!!!

I AM CANADIAN!!!

oh canada
Sun, 07 Aug 2005

Only a Nova Scotian would think of this!!

Only a Nova Scotian would think of this!!

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Halifax.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles,

the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car,

switched the wipers on and off it was a fine, dry summer night)

– flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times,

honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,

reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more

of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty,

he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time,

now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights,

promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man

having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said,

“I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.

This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the truly proud Nova Scotian. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”