Boobs and Willies

Boobs and Willies

A family is sitting around the supper table.

The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, answers,

“Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties,

a women’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said,

“Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers,

“Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties,

his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties,it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree “

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only”

BACON and EGGS too funny

BACON & EGGS too funny!

A little boy comes down to breakfast.

Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast till
the chores are done.

Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the
chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast,

and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon?

Why don’t I have any milk in
my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken,

so you don’t get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for
a week either.

I also saw you kick the cow,

so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks

the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says:
“Are you going to tell him, or should I ?

THEY DID IT RIGHT IN THE OLD DAYS

THEY DID IT RIGHT IN THE OLD DAYS

This is great advice!

An Old Farmer’s Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.

Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen, anyway.

Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.”

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Subject: AGREE OR DELETE

Subject: AGREE OR DELETE

Andy Rooney
DID YOU KNOW? As you walk up the steps to the building which houses the US Supreme Court

you can see near the top of the building a row of the world’s law givers and each one is facing one in the

middle who is facing forward with a full frontal view .. it is Moses and he is holding the Ten Commandments!

.
DID YOU KNOW?

As you enter the Supreme Court courtroom, the two huge oak doors have the Ten

Commandments engraved on each lower portion of each door.

DID YOU KNOW?

As you sit inside the courtroom, you can see the wall,
right above where the Supreme Court judges sit,
a display of the Ten Commandments!

DID YOU KNOW?

There are Bible verses etched in stone all over the Federal Buildings and Monuments in Washington, D.C.

DID YOU KNOW?

James Madison, the fourth president, known as “The Father of Our Constitution” made the following statement:

“We have staked the whole of all our political institutions upon the capacity of mankind for

self-government, upon the capacity of each and all of us to govern ourselves, to control ourselves, to sustain

ourselves according to the Ten Commandments of God.”

DID YOU KNOW?

Patrick Henry, that patriot and Founding Father of our country said:

“It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded not by

religionists but by Christians, not on religions but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ”.

DID YOU KNOW?

Every session of Congress begins with a prayer by a paid preacher, whose salary has

been paid by the taxpayer since 1777.

DID YOU KNOW?

Fifty-two of the 55 founders of the Constitution were members of the established

orthodox churches in the colonies.

DID YOU KNOW?

Thomas Jefferson worried that the Courts would overstep their authority and instead of

interpreting the law would begin making law . an oligarchy .

the rule of few over many.

DID YOU KNOW?

The very first Supreme Court Justice, John Jay, said:

“Americans should select and prefer Christians as their rulers.”

How, then, have we gotten to the point that everything we have done for 220 years in this

country is now suddenly wrong and unconstitutional?

Lets put it around the world and let the world see and remember what this great country was built on.

Chamber, US House of Representatives

I was asked to send this on if I agreed or delete if I didn’t. Now it is your turn…
It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, it is very hard to understand

why there is such a mess about having the Ten Commandments on display or “In God We Trust” on our

money and having God in the Pledge of Allegiance.

If you agree, pass this on

A Woman Who Reads

A Woman Who Reads

One morning a husband returns after several hours of

fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

“Good morning, ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies.

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, Officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment.

For all I know you could start at any moment.

I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,”

says the woman.

“But I have not even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment.

For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day, ma’am,” he said, and left.

Moral of this story:

Never argue with a woman who reads.

It is likely she can also think.

I little poem for us girls

I little poem for us girls

A poem for girls…

I shave my legs,

I sit down to pee.

And I can justify any shopping spree.

Don’t go to a barber, but a beauty salon.

I can get a massage without a hard-on.

I can balance the checkbook,

I can pump my own gas.

Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.

My beauty’s a masterpiece and yes, it takes long.

At least I can admit to others when I’m wrong.

I don’t drive in circles, at any cost.

And I don’t have a problem admitting I’m lost.

I never forget an important date.

You just gotta deal with it, I’m usually late.

I don’t watch movies with lots of gore.

Don’t need instant replay to remember the score.

I won’t lose my hair, I don’t get jock itch.

And just cause I’m assertive, Don’t call me a bitch.

Don’t say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her.

In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!

Flowers are okay,

But jewelry’s best.

Look at me you idiot…

Not at my chest????

I don’t have a problem,

With Expressing my feelings.

I know when you’re lying,

You look at the ceiling.

DON’T call me a GIRL ,

a BABE or a CHICK

I am a WOMAN.

Get it?, you DICK!?!

Across the land & and under the sea,

PEACE on earth, brings tranquility…

Jan….

Date: 05/18/05

We Are Canadians

We Are Canadians




Will we still be the Country of choice and still be Canada if we continue

to make the changes forced on us by the people from other countries that

came to live in Canada because it is the Country of Choice??????

Think about it!

All we have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS?


I celebrate Christmas………..but because it isn’t celebrated by
everyone…………..we can no longer say Merry Christmas.

Now it has to be Season’s Greetings.

It’s not Christmas vacation, it’s Winter Break. Isn’t it amazing how

this winter break ALWAYS occurs over the Christmas holiday?

We’ve gone so far the other way, bent over backwards to not offend

anyone, that I am now being offended. But it seems that no one has

a problem with that.
This says it all!




This is an editorial written in a
Toronto newspaper. He did quite a job; didn’t he? Read on, please!

IMMIGRANTS,
NOT Canadians
MUST ADAPT.
I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we
are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist

attacks on Sept. 11,
we have experienced a surge
in patriotism by the majority
of Canadians. However…… the dust from the attacks had
barely settled when the “politically correct! ” crowd began

complaining about
the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone

who is seeking a better life by coming to
Canada
Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants.
However, there
are a few things that those
who have recently come to
our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand.
This idea of Canada being a
multicultural community
has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity.

As Canadians…….
we have our own culture, our
own society, our own language and our own lifestyle.

This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles,

trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.


We
speak ENGLISH/FRENCH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese,

Japanese, Russian, or any other language.
Therefore, if you wish to become part
of our society, learn the language!
“We Stand On Guard For Thee” is our national motto. This is not some

Christian, right wing, political slogan.. We adopted this motto because

Christian men and women…….on Christian principles………….
founded this nation….. and this is clearly documented.
It is certainly appropriate to display it
on the walls of our schools.
If God offends you, then I suggest you
consider another part of the world as
your new home………because
God is part of our culture.

We
are happy with our culture and have
no desire to change, and we really
don’t care how you did things where
you came from.
This is
OUR COUNTRY,
our land, and our lifestyle.
But once you are done complaining……. whining……

and griping……. about our flag…….
our pledge…… our national motto……..or our
way of life….I highly encourage you to
take advantage of one other Great Canadian Freedom…….

THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.


It is Time for Canada to Speak up
If you agree — pass this along;
if you don’t agree — delete it!

AMEN

I figure if we all keep passing this to our friends
(and enemies) it will also, sooner or later
get back to the complainers, lets all try,
please

Subject: This is an article printed in the Toronto Star, CANADA
Date: Tue, 06 Dec 2005 06:14:23 -0400

God Said NO

God Said NO

I asked God to take away my habit.

God said, No.

It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.

God said, No

His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.

God said, No. Patience is a by product of tribulations;

it isn’t Granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.

God said, No. I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.

God said, No .Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares

and brings you closer To me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.

God said, No. You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to

make you Fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.

God said, No.

I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.

God said…Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

If you love God, send this to ten people and back to the person

that sent it.

THIS DAY IS YOURS DON’T THROW IT AWAY

May God bless you if you are not selfish and are a giving and

caring honest person.

“To the world you might be one person,

But to one person you just might be the world”

It takes only one person to begin the change for a better world.

“May the Lord Bless you and keep you,

May the Lord Make his face shine upon you,

And give you Peace……Forever”

“Good friends are like stars…You don’t always see them, But

you know they are Always there.


Daddy’s Poem

Daddy’s Poem

Her hair was up in a pony tail,

her favorite dress tied with a bow.


Today was Daddy’s Day at school,

and she couldn’t wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,

that she probably should stay home.

Why the kids might not understand,

if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;

she knew just what to say.

What to tell her classmates

of why he wasn’t there today.

But still her mother worried,

for her to face this day alone.

And that was why once again,

she tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school

eager to tell them all.

About a dad she never sees

a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,

for everyone to meet.

Children squirming impatiently,

anxious in their seats

One by one the teacher called

a student from the class.

To introduce their daddy,

as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,

every child turned to stare.

Each of them was searching,

a man who wasn’t there.

‘Where’s her daddy at?

She heard a boy call out.

‘She probably doesn’t have one,’

another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,

she heard a daddy say

,

‘Looks like another deadbeat dad,

too busy to waste his day.

The words did not offend her,

as she smiled up at her Mom.

And looked back at her teacher,

who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back,

slowly she began to speak.

And out from the mouth of a child,

came words incredibly unique.

‘My Daddy couldn’t be here,

because he lives so far away.

But I know he wishes he could be,

since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,

I wanted you to know.

All about my daddy,

and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories

he taught me to ride my bike.

He surprised me with pink roses,

and taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,

and ice cream in a cone.

And though you cannot see him.

I’m not standing here alone.

‘Cause my daddy’s al ways with me,

even though we are apart

I know because he told me,

he’ll forever be in my heart’

With that, her little hand reached up,

and lay across her chest.

Feeling her own heartbeat,

beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,

her mother stood in tears.

Proudly watching her daughter,

who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love

of a man not in her life.

Doing what was best for her,

doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,

staring straight into the crowd.

She finished with a voice so soft,

but its message clear and loud.

‘I love my daddy very much,

he’s my shining star.

And if he could, he’d be here,

but heaven’s just too far.

You see he is a Canadian soldier

And died just this past year

When a roadside bomb hit his convoy

and taught Canadians to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,

it’s like he never went away.

And then she closed her eyes,

and saw him there that day.

And to her mothers amazement,

she witnessed with surprise.

A room full of daddies and children,

all starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,

who knows what they felt inside.

Perhaps for merely a second,

they saw him at her side.

‘I know you’re with me Daddy,’

to the silence she called out.

And what happened next made believers,

of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,

for each of their eyes had been closed.

But there on the desk beside her,

was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,

by the love of her shining star.

And given the gift of believing,

that heaven is never too far.

Send this to the people you’ll never forget and

remember to send it also to the person that sent it to you.

It’s a short message tolet them know

that you’ll never forget them.

If you don’t send it to anyone,it means you’re

in a hurry and that you’ve forgotten your friends.


Take the time…to live and love.

Until eternity. God bless!

Banking on Memories

Banking on Memories

This is AWESOME … something we should all remember.

Herberg

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man,

who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock,

with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
His wife of 70 years recently passed away,

making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home,

he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator,

I provided a visual description of his tiny room,

including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
I love it,’ he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old

having just been presented with a new puppy.
Mr. Jones, you haven’t seen the room; just wait.’
‘That doesn’t have anything to do with it,’ he replied.
Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is

arranged … it’s how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
‘It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up.

I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, o

r get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open,

I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away..

Just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account.

You withdraw from what you’ve put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank

account of memories!
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank.
I am still depositing.
‘Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

STOP The Banksters New World Order

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